Setting Healthy Boundaries
Do you struggle with setting safe boundaries around you? Do you sometimes feel unsettled and anxious about speaking up for yourself in a group, with your family, or even in the workplace?
A person who struggles with setting boundaries around themselves usually display the following traits:
always being there for others
always putting everyone else before you
being the go to person for advice and help
If you can relate, here is the reassurance that you are not alone. While it is a noble and kind act, constantly being available for everyone deprives you of the true joy of living your life. By constantly being the ‘yes’ person to others you may unknowingly put your dreams on hold and reach a point one day where you feel lost. Not knowing what your purpose or meaning is to be here.
Putting ourselves on the side track and helping others first may have been a value we looked up and was brought up to possess, however, it is important to have a healthy balance of helping others as well as meeting our own needs. Failing to do so may lead to an unintentional outburst due to unexpressed hurt and resentment.
Here are 4 ways to maintain safe boundaries so you are protected from energy-draining situations and you can keep yourself recharged even in the seemingly demanding world we live in today.
1. Communicate expectations
Most of the times people step over our boundaries because they aren’t aware the presence of one. Can you recall of a time when you assumed someone had to know something about you but they didn’t and that caused you to feel enrage because “duh, they should’ve known”, “it’s common sense” 🙄
I often tell my clients and close friends that it’s best to remember that people are concerned with a myriad list of things going on in their mind, and it is not their duty to know or guess what we are thinking on a moment-to-moment basis.
We ourselves often fall prey to assuming the nature of a person based on their certain specific behavior, without first seeking to understand where they are coming from. So, it’s normal and common for us to assume another person has to think the same way as us. Yet it is essential to communicate our needs and expectations so others and ourselves can respond better in various circumstances. Ultimately, we are all doing our best.
Communicating expectation can look like you:
telling a closed one clearly that you cannot attend to their needs/ concerns when you’re busy, and next giving them a suggested time of when you will be available to them.
informing a coworker that his/her tone towards you is hurtful and how you would prefer to interact with them
allowing your child to express themselves when they feel hurt and helping them understand afterwards that talking about why they are upset is a better way of getting help than simply crying/ throwing tantrums
2. Learn to say no
"No" is a word that we all need to say from time to time but often stop ourselves from saying for numerous reasons such as the fear of what others will think of us, a possible lost opportunity, or feeling a sense of obligation.
Learning and being able to say no, can change the whole trajectory of our lives. When you can say no to the things that don't set your heart on fire, you set yourself apart from others. People look up to you, they know you know your worth and you are standing up for yourself.
Being able to say no is similar to going to the gym for the first time, you will feel uncomfortable, and you will second guess. Slowly as you hone this muscle and lean into the ability to say no and witness the huge sense of freedom from obligations to others, you will be firmer and stronger with your ability to say no.
What happens when you learn to say no, is you have more time for yourself. You get to choose how to spend your time and with whom to spend your time. You can spend quality time with the people you truly care for. You can learn new skills and train them. You have time to rest. You have time for yourself.
Exercise: Start by saying no to the little requests.
e.g.: a gathering you’ve no interest in, running a nonurgent errand
3. Capsule visualization
Imagine yourself in a negative situation when hurtful remarks are hurled all across the room. Draw a bubble around you, use your favorite color for the boundaries of the capsule. It may be a white bright light.
Play with your imagination, feel the sturdiness of the capsule. Feel the safety you place upon yourself, staying in a steady and protective shell.
Imagine you are in this capsule and all the negative words simply bounce off the capsules and cannot get to you. They have deflected away from you.
There is a note at the front of your bubble that writes “your outer reality is always a reflection of your inner world ” and you can just see how when someone hurls critical words at you, it has nothing to do with you.
4. 15 mins self-care every day
Have some form of self-care every day.
Some suggestions:
apply a face mask
play nice happy music
clean your environment
hydrate
breathe
talk a walk in nature
play with your pet
meditate
read a book
Your mental health and wellbeing is a necessity, not an indulgence. *read that again*
You are important and you matter. Don’t burn yourself out for the sake and dreams of others, take charge of your life, take care of yourself.
Exercise: Commit to a nonnegotiable sacred time for your self care ritual.
e.g.: 10 mins every Tuesday night facial care, weekly scheduled movie time with your loved ones.
When you create healthy boundaries around you, you have more time to pursue your goals, plan for your dream life, and take action to tap into your potential. Having healthy boundaries allows you for more joyful connections and relationships.
People will look up to you because you can be a role model and help them. You can have quality time with the people who truly matter to you. Most importantly, you will always have your back and support yourself.
Which is your favorite strategy? How do you build healthy boundaries around you and others?
Share your insights with our community in the comments. We are all here to learn and help each other grow and love ourselves more :)
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