Dealing with Offenders 101
“I’m not on friendly terms with him/her because we fell out during a disagreement”, have you ever faced the dilemma of thinking to yourself if you want to call it quits on a relationship where a person continuously offends you (intentionally or not)?
It hurts the most when the person who is closest to us offends us continuously. You’ve tried to speak up for yourself but to no avail. You’ve asked for advice from your other friends, partner, siblings but the comebacks were all futile attempts.
In this blog you’ll learn the step by step process to responding and managing repeated offenders.
1. Understand that it is not personal
When a person behaves in an offensive manner towards you, other factors might be at play causing the anger within them to escalate and hence the rude remarks. This can be due to a myriad of factors such as - but not limited to:
Miscommunication
Previous biases
Lack of information about the situation
Tight deadlines
For example: informing your parents of your relationship with a “socially unacceptable” partner.
Their first reaction might be to disapprove of you and/ or criticise your choice. This is not personal to your partner, neither is it personal to you. They might have had negative experiences or have heard of critical comments from others about relationships that are slightly different from others. From their perspective, they are trying to protect you from harm. From your perspective, they are not making an effort to understand you and your relationship.
We oftentimes feel unheard during a conversation where offensive comments are being shared. It is crucial for one of the parties involved to put a pause, take a step back, and attempt to communicate from a place of active listening and dialoguing for better understanding.
2. Reflect back your understanding
It helps to discuss the interpretation you make from another’s comment for this is the step most of us skip and risk the chance of having a dreadful interaction.
Saying “let me repeat what I’ve just heard, do you mean …” can help clarify and prevent misunderstandings from happening.
Perhaps we misinterpreted a message, or perhaps the person we are communicating with meant to express a different opinion.
Reflecting back your understanding can:
Clear clouds of confusion
Allow for deeper discussion of values
Help both of you communicate better
Bring the relationship closer
Continuing from the example we’ve shared above, a conversation can go like this:
You: allow me to clarify, do you mean to say that (your partner’s name) is not suitable for me because of his/her age/ race/ gender?
Your parent: yes that is what I mean, s/he is too for you. OR I know it’s difficult to accept but I don’t think s/he is right for you because …
3. Communicate appropriate boundary
Opening yourself up for discussion is the first key step to take. However, there are various possibilities on how an interaction can go on from there.
The person you interact with is receptive
Express your gratitude for their openness and willingness to communicate. Thank them for truly listening, and share how important it is for them to listen to you and allow you to share your thoughts.
Even if it’s difficult for them to understand your point of view, expressing thanks for the effort of allowing you to speak is a positive reinforcement for them.
This means they will be more willing to engage in deeper, meaningful conversations with you in the future. They would also be more mindful of the way they speak with you and others. (i.e. a win from the interaction!)
If they are defensive
Acknowledge that it is difficult for them to agree with you however you remain firm in your decision. You respect them for sharing their opinion as it is difficult and you inform them that you’d rather protect the relationship you have with them. To do so, you would rather discuss a different topic. The conversation you just had should not determine the course of your relationship. (i.e. still a win from the interaction)
Extreme case. If the person you are in communication with starts to reprimand you for being the ‘mature’ one in the relationship or says things like “don’t lecture/ tell me what to do”, it will be safer for both of you to call timeout. In cases like this it’ll do you good to recognise that this is not your go to person for communicating on a certain topic. (i.e. not exactly a win from the interaction, but now you know the kind of information to share/ not share with this person)
Interacting with offenders does not have to end in a cold war or end up looking like a bull fight. There is no reason for you to stoop to their level of being offensive too.
You are way wiser and smarter and you have coping skills that allow you to handle offenders with grace. The people who love you will accept you for who you are even if you are not on the same page as them with regards to certain topics.
If you are struggling with setting up boundaries with critical friends, family or relatives, these blogs may be helpful:
✨https://emergedbutterfly.com/blog/setting-healthy-boundaries
✨https://emergedbutterfly.com/blog/differentviewsinrelationship
✨https://emergedbutterfly.com/blog/how-do-you-handle-toxic-people
✨https://emergedbutterfly.com/blog/openmindedness
If you’d like to dive deeper into seeking professional help for your mental wellness, I’m opening up my books for 1:1 Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) sessions. RTT can help you understand and overcome relationship struggles, negative thought patterns that contribute to overall stress.
By communicating directly with your subconscious mind, you can discover what’s truly affecting your communication in a relationship, how to communicate your needs and attend to your needs better. When you give back to yourself the love you and understanding you so readily give to others, your external situation will change for the better by ten folds!
I've assisted many people, like you, in making significant life changes in order to feel whole, complete and satisfied with the person you’re becoming. Get in touch with me here if you're ready to make changes in your life and get EVERYTHING you need to live the life you desire (because it IS available to you) ➡️ https://emergedbutterfly.com/application
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