Reducing Couple Fights, Increasing Intimacy
Disclaimer: while this blog addresses relationships involving a man and a woman, it applies across all types of relationships. The terms “man” and “woman” used in this blog can refer to the traits you are more prone to display i.e. masculine or feminine traits.
Imagine this - you’re back from work after a long day, you slip each foot out of your work shoes and proceed to the room. Right before you are able to settle yourself down and get ready for a shower you hear an exasperated voice: “you’re finally back, you don’t know what I’ve dealt with today”.
Of course you don’t. Your partner didn’t mention anything through the message nor did s/he called you. You sigh thinking about the difficult day you had at work and that triggered your partner - “did you think I’ve had it easy?”
In a situation like this where emotions escalate quickly and misunderstandings unfold, here’s what you need to know, and practice to prevent a full blown argument in your relationship.
- A FACT -
In relationships, people often give their partner what they themselves would like to receive
BUT men and women want different things:
What men need in a relationship is their partner’s trust, acceptance, appreciation and approval.
What women need in a relationship is reassurance, understanding, respect and care.
As mentioned in our previous blog the major differences between men and women can be a source of misunderstanding in a relationship or a reason to further increase intimacy. Read the previous blog here.
Avoiding arguments
Resolving arguments does not have to be an arduous process. It is important to understand where both parties are coming from, what intentions they have for the relationship, and to recognise that you are both solving a problem together. It is not a “me VS you” battle but rather a “we VS it” mission. (where “we” refers to you and your partner and “it” refers to the problem you both face).
More often than not, it’s not the words themselves that hurt, but how they are delivered and expressed. For example, a man may unintentionally hurt his partner by speaking in an uncaring manner, using logic to explain why his partner should not be upset, and claiming credit for his efforts to solve the problem. Similarly, a woman may unintentionally hurt her partner when she feels unheard and challenged. When this happens, her tone may become mistrusting and disapproving. Both tones can trigger the other party to become defensive.
Step 1:
Take a breath - realise that you both are trying to solve the problem. Pissing each other off will not help solve the problem. If you both need a time out, some time to yourselves to think through how to communicate better, say, “I’m sorry we are both feeling uptight about ______. We should take some time out and discuss solving this issue together later when we both feel better.” Make sure to not leave the matter unresolved. Let the “recovery time” take a maximum of 24 hours so you both know and trust each other to work through the problem together.
Step 2:
Listen to the other party - misunderstandings escalate when we assume we know what the other partner has to say and jump in to defend ourselves. It is saddening to see once close couples suddenly turning away from each other as they get to know each other better. Truly listen to understand your partner; refrain from listening to find faults or look for gaps to share your opinion. You will have your turn.
Step 3:
Ask for support. Would you prefer your partner to give you time to think through a problem or would you prefer your partner to listen to your rants and let you be? Different individuals have different needs and different individuals provide support in different ways. Being clear how you would like to be supported helps your partner know how to help you, so they don’t support you the way you would not like. It is also a way for you to witness your partner making the effort to love you.
If talking things through is a difficult process for you and your partner, write a letter out instead. Writing a letter to yourself including details of how you wish to be supported, how you wish the situation could be resolved, how you could respond differently to the problem in the future. Take some time off from the issue and write a new letter to your partner:
first thanking them for being open to hear what you have to share
then sharing the problem that is bothering you (without blaming your partner), mentioning how you would like to be supported
and lastly thanking them for being there for you through the difficult times.
I could go into greater details about this process, but that would be in a separate blogpost. Let me know in the comments or send an email to info@carinayeap.com to let me know and I'll create that blogpost for you!
Is miscommunication a common threat in your relationship? What other problems do you face in your relationship? If you are seeking professional help to work through problems within a close relationship you have with another, RTT might just be the solution for you.
It blows my mind how amazing my clients are at teaching me more about relationships the more I work with them. If you too are seeking a therapist to help you unravel the mystery as to why a certain behaviour from your partner ticks you off, seeking professional help may just be the solution to a peaceful and loving relationship. For a deeper dive, check out and send in your application so we can work together in a 1:1 Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) session. RTT can help you understand and overcome unhelpful, critical thought patterns that contribute to overall stress which strains a relationship.
By communicating directly with your subconscious mind, you can discover what’s truly affecting your relationship and empower yourself to choose different thoughts and actions therein change your outcome for the better!
I've assisted many people, like you, in making significant life changes in order to feel whole, complete and satisfied with the person you’re becoming. Get in touch with me here if you're ready to make changes in your life and get EVERYTHING you need to live the life you desire (because it IS available to you) ➡️ https://emergedbutterfly.com/application
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