How Fear of Abandonment Affects Relationships
From the moment we are born, our survival depends on the care and support of others. We rely on our caregivers for the basics - food, shelter, love. 🏡 So, it's no wonder that the fear of abandonment can leave a lasting impact. This fear, stemming from unmet needs in childhood or adulthood, can cast a long shadow on our relationships.
For some, this fear is a constant companion, a nagging worry that they might be left behind, rejected, or forgotten. 💔 It's not just about romantic relationships - it can seep into friendships, work connections, and even our relationship with ourselves. The fear of abandonment can lead to behaviors that, ironically, push people away, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Such fear often stems from early experiences where a person felt unimportant or dispensable. These deep-seated anxieties can make us act in ways we don't fully understand, making us appear clingy or possessive, even manipulative. Ironically, the closer we get to someone, the more intense these fears may become, making it a real challenge to maintain healthy, fulfilling connections.
Fear of abandonment can influence how someone behaves in a relationship.
Here are four common ways it shows up:
1. Codependency 👫
needing to be the person who gives constantly, or to be the person who continuously needs the support from others. Feeling inept to make decisions or follow through with plans independently for the fear that doing so might mean they are not playing their part in a relationship. Another example of codependency in a relationship might be seen when there is a need to do everything together or for one party to feel “something is wrong” when the other person needs time to themselves.
💡Success depends on both people fulfilling a shared goal and encouraging each other to continue the pursuit of their individual goals. Having your own aspirations does NOT mean you are separate or abandoning the people you care about.
2. People-pleasing behavior 🙏
doing only the behaviors that are accepted by others, and catering to the other’s needs at the expense of self. In an attempt to people-please, some individuals will also communicate things that are not aligned with their values to fit in. This stems from an internal feeling of worthlessness when one overly identifies themselves to be just the identity of role in a partnership/ relationship and forgets their individual self - the independent person outside of a relationship.
💡The people who love you accept you for who you are, not who you are trying to become. There are too many imitators in this world, embrace being the unique person that you are!
3. Feeling insecure 🥺
when there is a fear of abandonment, there is usually feelings of insecurity. This happens when one loses trust in a relationship, in themselves or in others. It’s easy to get jealous when your best friend socializes with others or when your partner spends more time at work. While you may feel the need to constantly be by the side of the people you love, and feel out of place when you’re alone, there is no need to pick on yourself. Instead of jumping to the conclusion that you’re not worthy enough of others and giving yourself the pressure to match up to the standards of others, recognize that you are enough just as you are. When we place the people we care for on a pedestal and see them as an “above average” person, we are seeing ourselves and others through a flawed lens.
💡We are all normal people, with our own struggles and with our own strengths.
4. Inauthentic communication 🗣️
not being truthful when sharing feelings. If an event or a response by a partner were to cause them to feel hurt they might brush it away thinking their feelings are not important or blame themselves for thinking the way they thought which can be different from a partner. A person can also change their present value system based on the value system of their partner, judging themselves for their previous value systems and thinking the partner’s value system is better than theirs thereby creating a dissonance and distance between the person they truly are and the person they want to be.
💡It’s totally normal and common to have a different thought/ belief system as another person, you both can still exist at the same time!
How do we overcome this fear?
The fear of abandonment is a powerful emotion that, if left unaddressed, can significantly impact our relationships. We all experience doubts and insecurities, but when these feelings turn into a persistent fear, it’s essential to recognize it and seek support.
Understanding that fear of abandonment isn’t just a passing phase is crucial. It's a pattern of responses deeply rooted in our emotions and experiences. While some might manage mild fears on their own, for most, overcoming this fear requires expert guidance. Mental health professionals, like therapists or counselors, play a pivotal role here. They provide the tools and insights needed to tackle these fears head-on.
The process of overcoming abandonment fears can be transformative, especially for young adults struggling with insecure attachments. Therapy acts as a beacon of hope, offering a safe space to unravel deep-seated fears and learn to form secure connections. Emotional regulation strategies taught in therapy become powerful tools, aiding individuals in navigating hurt and fear effectively.
Building confidence becomes a crucial stepping stone. Self-care strategies can help boost self-esteem, reinforcing the understanding that everyone deserves love and fulfilling relationships. By meeting our own emotional needs, we become better equipped to nurture our relationships. It’s a two-way street: taking care of ourselves allows us to be there for our partners, friends, and children effectively. Working with a skilled counselor adds immense value, guiding individuals through this transformative process with expertise and care.
Feeling the fear of abandonment can be tough, but you're not alone. If you're ready to break free from this fear and embrace personal growth and fulfilling relationships, I'm here to help! I've had the privilege of guiding many individuals, just like you, towards transformative life changes. Read here to see what past clients have shared about their experiences.
Taking that first step is monumental. It's about reclaiming your life, finding confidence, and fostering deep, meaningful connections. Together, we can work towards a future filled with self-assurance and satisfying relationships.
Since you’re here, be sure to subscribe to our email list and be part of the EB Tribe. You’ll get instant access to a powerful training guide that I created to help you release the critical, judgmental thoughts in your mind 📩. You’ll also get exclusive content, some special love notes, and personal updates from me that I simply don't share anywhere else 🤫
