Are you seeking External Validations - my 4 step method to put a stop to it
Picture this, you’re about to make a life changing decision – perhaps moving out of your hometown, pursuing a new career, getting attached or divorced to your life partner.
You want advice, you want guidance but you also want to be heard, seen and understood.
Who do you go to for support?
Perhaps your close family member, or perhaps a phone call to your best friend.
After having the conversation with them do you feel lit, excited and trusting of your choice or do you begin to doubt yourself and question your decision?
Many times, we look to others for support to realize we didn’t really need their support, but all that we want is: their validation (an “ok I approve what you’re doing” signal).
Why we seek validation
People seek validation for many acceptable reasons, here’re the top 3 reasons I notice:
1. Need for acceptance: we humans are social creatures and have an innate need to belong and be accepted by others. This need is fulfilled when we seek validation from others.
2. Fear of rejection: The fear of rejection can be a powerful motivator for seeking validation. People may seek validation to avoid rejection or disapproval from others.
3. Cultural norms: to feel a sense of belonging, we often conform to the traditions and cultural norms we were taught as children. Some cultures place a high value on external validation and approval, which can lead people from those cultures to seek validation externally for fear of being seen as outcasts or rebels.
How to stop seeking external validation
Be unapologetic about setting your own standards: you’re the director of your life. You get to choose who and what you allow in your life. So be unapologetic about setting your own standards for success, happiness, connection and fulfillment. External standards or expectations are just a guide, and should not be a rule to your way of living.
Honor the difficult times: Honor your life journey no matter how difficult it may seem to be when compared to others. Embracing your challenging times and noticing how you’ve survived through it is crucial in building your character and bringing your awareness to your level of resiliency. You’ve made difficult decisions before; you have been through challenging times. You’re stronger than you think you are.
Acknowledge and celebrate every small win: Celebrate small achievements and progress towards your goals, even if they are not acknowledged by others. You have to be your loudest and greatest cheerleader because no one else is going to do that for you.
Attend to your needs: Treat yourself with kindness, understanding, and compassion, just as you would treat a friend.
Surround yourself with supportive people: Seek out people who support you, encourage you, and who value you for who you are, rather than for what you do. The people who support you unconditionally even if they disagree with you.
What to do the next time you feel like seeking validation
I’ve created the PACS 4 step framework to help you remember:
Pause
Ask: what do I need?
Clearly communicate the type of support you need “I need your advice on this, here’s what I think, here’s what I need help with understanding”
Selective application: absorb what you find helpful and applicable to your life and let go of the other opinions, suggestions or advice.
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