When Forgiveness Feels Impossible: A Gentle Path to Setting Your Heart Free
You feel it in your shoulders first—that familiar tension that's become such a constant companion you barely notice it anymore. Or maybe it's in your back, your joints, or that persistent knot in your stomach that medical tests can't quite explain. Your body holds onto what your heart can't let go. I see you there, carrying the weight of past hurts, believing that holding onto them somehow serves a greater purpose. That maybe if you keep this vigil of unforgiveness, justice will finally be served.
Like a river that meets a dam, you've built walls to protect yourself. Strong walls, necessary walls. These walls have kept you safe, helped you survive. They've become your fortress against future hurts, your shield against those who might take advantage of your gentle heart again. And part of you knows—these walls have served their purpose.
But just as a dammed river eventually overflows or finds new paths, your heart seeks its natural flow. The weight of holding back forgiveness creates pressure that manifests in unexpected ways:
chronic pain that doctors can't quite explain,
sleepless nights when your thoughts spiral,
hesitation to open up to new connections,
exhaustion from constantly being on guard.
I've sat with countless souls like yours in my practice, beautiful spirits who believe that forgiving means pardoning the unpardonable. Who feel that by holding onto their hurt, they're somehow preventing future harm to others. Like sentinel trees standing guard over a forest, they've taken it upon themselves to ensure justice is served.
But here's what I've learned …
watching nature's wisdom unfold: A tree doesn't hold onto its leaves when autumn comes. It doesn't fight against the changing seasons or refuse to grow new leaves because the old ones fell too soon. Instead, it releases. It lets go. And in that letting go, it prepares for new growth.
Forgiveness isn't about the other person at all. It's not about pardoning their actions or saying what happened was okay. Think of it like clearing away dead leaves from your garden—you're not doing it for the leaves' sake, but to make space for new growth in your own life.
When my clients begin to understand this—that forgiveness is a gift you give yourself—I watch their faces change. It's like witnessing the morning sun breaking through storm clouds.
The tension in their shoulders eases.
Their breath deepens.
Sometimes, they cry tears of relief, realizing they can finally put down this heavy burden they've been carrying.
Like a stream finding its way around rocks and fallen trees, forgiveness doesn't mean removing all obstacles from your path.
Those rocks—your boundaries, your wisdom, your self-protection—they stay right where they are. But you learn to flow around them, to continue your journey without letting them dam up your entire life.
The truth is, holding onto grievances is like trying to hold back the tide. It takes enormous energy—energy that could be spent nurturing your own garden, tending to your own growth, creating the life you deserve to live. Every moment spent guarding old hurts is a moment not spent embracing new joys.
I've watched people transform when they finally give themselves permission to forgive. Like butterflies emerging from chrysalises, they discover a lightness they'd forgotten was possible. They laugh more easily. They trust themselves more deeply. They stop bracing for impact in every relationship and start allowing themselves to bloom.
This isn't a journey that happens overnight. Just as a garden doesn't flourish in a single season, your heart will take its time to heal. Some days, you might need to remind yourself that forgiveness is an act of self-love, not self-betrayal. That's okay. Nature doesn't rush its cycles, and neither should you.
If you're reading this, feeling the weight of old hurts pressing against your heart, know that you're not alone. Know that your protective instincts have served a purpose, and honor them for keeping you safe. But also know that there's another way to live—one that doesn't require you to be both prisoner and guard of your past pain.
Like the first breath of spring after a long winter, forgiveness brings with it the promise of renewal. Not because those who hurt you deserve it, but because you deserve to be free. Free to trust again. Free to love again. Free to live in the present instead of standing guard over the past.
Your heart, like a garden, deserves the chance to grow wild and beautiful again.
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